How to choose and use a booster seat
by Melanie Haiken
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
Highlights Why does my child need a booster seat?Which type of booster seat does my child need?How do I know if I've installed my child's booster seat correctly?
Why does my child need a booster seat?Although many of us have fond memories of rattling around in the back of the family station wagon, what we didn't know then is that riding that way was the number one cause of death for children. And now it's even more dangerous out on the road.While the number of motor vehicle injuries and deaths has been declining as more people use seat belts and car seats, the number of crashes continues to go up every year because there are more cars than ever on the road — and auto crashes are still the leading cause of death in children over age 3. Making matters worse, kids these days spend a lot more time in cars than they used to.Luckily, we have seat belts to keep us safe. The problem is, seat belts designed to fit adult bodies don't hold our children securely.That's where booster seats come in. A booster seat does exactly what the name suggests: It boosts your child up so that your vehicle's lap and shoulder belts restrain her safely. Without a booster seat, an adult seat belt can actually cause injury in the event of a crash rather than preventing it.If the lap belt rests on your child's tummy (which it's likely to do without a booster), for instance, she could suffer stomach, liver, or spleen damage in a crash. And if the shoulder belt rests against her neck rather than her chest, she may try to move it under her arm (where it could crack her ribs and damage internal organs) or behind her back (where it offers no protection at all against head, neck, and spinal injuries). These considerations are serious enough that the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration now recommends that all children who've outgrown their car seat continue to ride in a booster seat until they're at least 8 years old and 4 feet 9 inches tall.What's more, strapping your child into a booster seat may well be the law in your state. Arkansas, California, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, and Washington have all enacted laws that require children under age 6 (or those who weigh less than 60 pounds) to ride in appropriate car or booster seats; New Jersey enacted a law requiring proper restraints for kids under 8 who weigh less than 80 pounds. Safety experts hope that other states will soon follow suit. (To find out exactly what your state requires, go to the National Safe Kids Campaign Web site and click on the state-by-state guide on the right side of the page.)There's plenty of justification for the increasing calls for booster seats: In 2000, 248,000 kids were injured in car crashes and 1,668 children died. Most of them weren't properly restrained, which means that booster seats could have prevented many of those deaths. And while you may assume that most of these tragedies resulted from fiery highway collisions, the truth is that 75 percent of car accidents happen within 25 miles of home, and 60 percent of them happen on streets where the speed limit is 40 mph or less.Of course you want your child to travel safely. The trick is to avoid those "we're just going to the grocery store" lapses, says Stephanie Tombrello, executive director of the nonprofit child passenger safety organization SafetyBeltSafe U.S.A. "Ask yourself, 'If I were in a crash right now, how would I want my child to be riding?'" Then make sure your child rides this way every day.Since convenience is obviously a big issue for time-crunched parents, Tombrello recommends coming up with an approach that's simple and consistent, so that it becomes automatic. If your family has two cars, for example, you'll make things much easier on yourself if you pony up for two booster seats and leave one in each car, rather than trying to move one seat back and forth all the time — a step that's likely to fall by the wayside on especially frantic mornings.
Which type of booster seat does my child need?All booster seats on the market meet the U.S. government's stringent crash- and fire-safety standards, so any seat you buy new is technically safe. (The same isn't true for secondhand seats or seats purchased more than a couple of years ago, which may have been designed to meet outdated standards or been recalled for safety violations.) But even if a booster seat itself meets the government's standards, it can still present safety problems if it's installed or used incorrectly. The safest seat, therefore, is the one that best fits your child and your car and is easiest for you to use.If your child weighs less than 40 pounds, consider using a combination car seat and booster seat. These seats come with a removable five-point harness that's similar to those used in regular car seats. This is considered the safest type of harness because the straps restrain your child at both the shoulders and hips, distributing the force of a collision to the strongest parts of the body. For the best protection, you'll want to use the harness as long as possible, so choose a seat that has several harness-strap height settings, especially if your child is tall.Stay away from older combination or convertible seats that use plastic tray bars or T-shaped shields, since they distribute the force of a collision to the belly, one of your child's most vulnerable areas. In addition to being less safe than a seat with a five-point harness, these seats are also less comfortable for many kids. If your child is on the chubby side, for instance, the plastic tray or shield may press on her thighs or squeeze her tummy. And if she's tall, you may have trouble getting the tray or shield comfortably over her head.When your child grows too tall for a combination car seat and booster seat (when her shoulders are above the seat's top set of harness-strap slots), you can remove the harness and use the seat to boost her height while she's buckled in with your car's lap-and-shoulder belts. Or you can go straight to a simple booster seat.There are two main types of booster seats: high-back or chair-style seats that support your child's rear, torso, neck, and head; and backless seats that raise her rear so that she sits higher in your car's own seat. The type that's best for your child depends mainly on what kind of seats you have in your car.If your rear seat has a low back, you're better off with a high-back model, which will provide your child with head and neck support in a rear collision. If your rear seats are high enough to support her head and neck but are deeply contoured, a backless model will sit more snugly on the seat and be less likely to tip over than a high-back model. Some auto safety experts also give the edge to backless seats because they allow your child to sit farther back in the seat. (One caveat: Stay away from backless boosters that have a shield-style closure; these are not considered safe for children over 40 pounds.)Whichever type of seat you choose, check to see if it has a positioning guide for your vehicle's shoulder belt, which positions the belt across your child's chest in the right place. If it has a guide, make sure it's one that allows the belt to retract easily.Most high-back boosters come with clips on the sides; the best ones have clips at several heights to accommodate your child as she grows. A backless booster should come with a separate belt-positioning clip (even better if it's attached to a strap so it doesn't get lost) and handles or guides near your child's hips, under (or sometime over) which you route the lap belt and the lower end of the shoulder belt.Some high-back boosters have padded "wings" that function as headrests, which are useful if your child still tends to fall asleep in the car. (If you have a car sleeper who rides in a backless booster, you can buy a special pillow that fits around her neck during naps or wedge a rolled blanket between your napping child and the side of the car.) Some car- and booster-seat combos have a recline feature, but they're not recommended because they put too much pressure on a reclining child's groin in a crash.Your child's size is another consideration. If she's on the stocky side, look for a booster with a wide or adjustable base. And if she's tall or big for her age, look for one that has higher shoulder strap slots or a roomier base.
How do I know if I've installed my child's booster seat correctly?Test before you buy. Since boosters are designed to work with your car's lap-and-shoulder belts, they're easy to install; just place them on top of your car's seat. Still, it's important to make sure that your child's booster sits flat against the seat and doesn't tip over easily. If possible, test out the booster in your vehicle and with your child in it before buying.Make sure she's really ready for a booster. One mistake many parents make is putting their child in a booster seat too soon, before she's truly big enough to use it safely. While the instructions on most car- and booster-seat combos say they can be used without the harness starting at 30 pounds, this is really true only for a very tall, thin child who's grown too tall for the harness but doesn't yet weigh 40 pounds. Most kids can and should continue using the harness until they reach 40 pounds. This is particularly true if your child tends to be active in the car, because she may struggle out of a seat belt or push the shoulder belt behind her or under her arm (a much more difficult endeavor when she's strapped into a five-point harness).To see whether your child's ready to move into a booster, have her sit in it and check that she's sitting all the way back against the seat back with her knees bending at the edge of the seat cushion. If she's too small for the booster, her legs will stick straight out and she may slouch or slide forward in the seat, both of which can be dangerous. While she's in the booster, also check the position of your car's lap belt (it should cross her hips — not her belly — and touch the top of her thighs) and the shoulder belt (it should land on her shoulder — not her neck or upper arm — and cross the center of her chest).Make sure the booster is in the right place. The safest place for most booster seats is in the center of the rear seat, where your child is best protected from a side-impact crash. The problem is that many vehicles have only a lap belt in the center back (rather than a lap-and-shoulder belt), which should never be used on its own to anchor a booster seat. If this is true of your vehicle, position your child's booster on either the right or left side of your back seat. (Hint: It's easier to see your child if she's on the right side of the car rather than directly behind you; this also makes getting out of the car easier and safer for her when you're parked on a busy street.)If you have two kids in the car, positioning will depend on what kind of seat belts you have, as well as the contours of your back seat. If you can, you're best off putting one child in the center and one on the right side of your vehicle's rear seat. But if sitting close together is an invitation for your kids to poke, pinch, and grab each other (distracting you from safe driving while you play referee), you'll probably need a buffer zone in the center.In that case, put the younger child on the right side since you'll probably need to check on her more often. If your car is an older model that has only lap belts in the rear seat, you have a real dilemma. Your best bet is to have shoulder belts installed; you can do this by purchasing a retrofit kit from a dealer.And, of course, never let any child under age 13 (booster or no) ride in the front seat, especially if you have a passenger air bag. Air bags may be lifesaving for adults, but they can cause serious head and neck injuries to children when they inflate.Use the booster's belt-positioning clips. If your child's booster came with belt-positioning clips — either on the sides of a high-back booster or attached to a special strap on a backless model — use them if you need to. These clips ensure that the shoulder belt crosses your child's torso correctly. If your car's shoulder belt actually lands on your child's shoulder (rather than her neck or upper arm) and crosses the middle of her chest without the guides, however, you don't need them.If you can, use the anchoring system. Since September 2002, all new car seats and vehicles must be compatible with the LATCH system, short for Lower Anchors and Tethers for Children (combining the previously existing top tethers with lower anchors, built into the rear of the car; some cars built between 1999 and 2002 also have the system). Front-facing toddler/booster combo seats are required to have both the upper and lower attachments. LATCH is not required for booster seats.Get more information on booster seat safety from the National Highway Traffic Administration website.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
How to give your child a healthier, longer life
Big Story:
by Chris WoolstonLast updated: July 2005
Highlights Old before their time You can make a difference Pregnancy: Why your weight matters Infancy: Acquired tastes Training a toddler tummy Preschoolers and up: Encouraging good habits At any age: Be a healthy role model Seven things to say to an overweight child
Old before their timeThanks to state-of-the-art prenatal care, vaccines that have nearly eliminated deadly childhood diseases, and new treatments to cure almost any ailment, we've become somewhat complacent about our kids' health. Most of us assume that our children will live long, healthy lives — science will see to it. Well, the sobering news is that a long, healthy life is no longer a given for our kids. Earlier this year, researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago made a frightening new prediction: Today's children may not live as long as their parents, because far too many kids are far too heavy.According to the National Center for Health Statistics, roughly 1 in 6 kids is seriously overweight. The obesity epidemic is unfolding across the country and it's taking a serious toll on our children's health.The dangers are real. Overweight kids often have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar, a triple threat that could add up to early heart disease, says Suruchi Bhatia, chief of the Division of Diabetes and Endocrinology at Children's Hospital and Research Center in Oakland, California. Bhatia has diagnosed many overweight kids — including one 8-year-old girl — with type 2 diabetes, a disease that used to be seen only in adults. The girl had also hit puberty already, another side effect of extra weight. In many ways, overweight kids are growing old before their time.But don't blame yourself if your child is already heavy — after all, our culture is stacked squarely against you. Fast-food companies spend $3 billion a year on ads aimed at children, schools put soda machines in the hallways, physical education budgets have been cut, and computer games are quickly replacing kickball and tag as favorite childhood pastimes. "It's not your fault. It's your responsibility to make things better, but it's not your fault," says child obesity expert Melinda Sothern of Louisiana State University.
by Chris WoolstonLast updated: July 2005
Highlights Old before their time You can make a difference Pregnancy: Why your weight matters Infancy: Acquired tastes Training a toddler tummy Preschoolers and up: Encouraging good habits At any age: Be a healthy role model Seven things to say to an overweight child
Old before their timeThanks to state-of-the-art prenatal care, vaccines that have nearly eliminated deadly childhood diseases, and new treatments to cure almost any ailment, we've become somewhat complacent about our kids' health. Most of us assume that our children will live long, healthy lives — science will see to it. Well, the sobering news is that a long, healthy life is no longer a given for our kids. Earlier this year, researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago made a frightening new prediction: Today's children may not live as long as their parents, because far too many kids are far too heavy.According to the National Center for Health Statistics, roughly 1 in 6 kids is seriously overweight. The obesity epidemic is unfolding across the country and it's taking a serious toll on our children's health.The dangers are real. Overweight kids often have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar, a triple threat that could add up to early heart disease, says Suruchi Bhatia, chief of the Division of Diabetes and Endocrinology at Children's Hospital and Research Center in Oakland, California. Bhatia has diagnosed many overweight kids — including one 8-year-old girl — with type 2 diabetes, a disease that used to be seen only in adults. The girl had also hit puberty already, another side effect of extra weight. In many ways, overweight kids are growing old before their time.But don't blame yourself if your child is already heavy — after all, our culture is stacked squarely against you. Fast-food companies spend $3 billion a year on ads aimed at children, schools put soda machines in the hallways, physical education budgets have been cut, and computer games are quickly replacing kickball and tag as favorite childhood pastimes. "It's not your fault. It's your responsibility to make things better, but it's not your fault," says child obesity expert Melinda Sothern of Louisiana State University.
Why Babies cry ?
Why does my baby cry so much?
Why does my baby cry so much?
Expert Answers
Edward Christophersen, clinical psychologist
Crying is part of life with a new baby. On average, newborns cry for about two hours each day. Although the crying is spread out through the day, all that wailing adds up to more than you probably expected. Between birth and about 6 weeks of age, the amount of crying typically increases to almost three hours each day, no matter what you do! After that, the fussing should eventually decrease to about an hour a day. As you get more comfortable with your routines and they become more predictable, your baby will probably fuss less often. But you should understand that babies don't have a lot of other ways to communicate, and much of what goes on around them is unfamiliar and therefore upsetting. Here's one suggestion: If you put your baby in an infant carrier on the floor with her head gently propped up with a small blanket or a diaper on each side, she gets a better view of you and her surroundings. As you move in and out of her field of vision and talk to her, she comes to understand that sometimes Mommy's right in front of me and sometimes she's not, but either way I'm safe.
Source : babycenter.com
Which celebrity mom fits your style?
Quiz:
by Lindsay WeissLast updated: March 2008
Are you a laid-back, go-with-the-flow momma like Kate Hudson? A hands-on mom like Jennifer Garner? Maybe you're an edgy rocker-type like Gwen Stefani. Or maybe you're expecting your first and aren't sure what mom style you'll call your own. Take the quiz below to find out more about your mommy style — and which famous moms you jibe with. And if you're hungry for the latest celebrity mom news, check out our blog FameBaby.
1. Spring is in the air, and you're itching to replenish your wardrobe. If you could go on a big shopping spree, you'd come home with:
A. Hippie-chick shirts and faded jeans, flowing sundresses, textured scarves, and chunky bracelets
B. Fitted, plunging tops and designer skinny jeans, animal-print belts and bags, a sexy siren-red dress, and four pairs of really high heels
C. Two more pairs of your favorite jeans, plain fitted tees in a variety of colors, some cute cotton loungewear and undergarments, and a colorful spring jacket
D. The entire spring line from Dior and a few things from the designer collection at Neimans. Oh, and the must-have Balenciaga bag and five or six pairs of Louboutins.
E. Velour sweats, pretty peasant blouses, and some stylish flip-flops and sneakers.
2. How do you feel about plastic surgery?
A. No way. These are character lines — and you'll be darned if someone's gonna Botox away your character!
B. You bet. You wouldn't mind fuller lips or even some permanent make-up.
C. No, thank you. But maybe someday you'll get a little something done.
D. Well, of course! Who wouldn't want to look younger?
E. Definitely not now. Your body's been through so many changes lately — you need to give it a break before even thinking about something like plastic surgery.
3. It's finally time for your long-awaited hair appointment. What are you going to ask for?
A. Just a snip here and there — you like your hair long and natural
B. Something dramatic — either platinum blond all over or a few pink highlights, depending on your mood
C. Your usual — a trim and discreet highlights to frame your face
D. A brand-new 'do — maybe a sleek, classy bob or something equally chic
E. Low maintenance — cute, easy, and long enough to pull into a ponytail
4. What's your approach to family planning?
A. You don't think too much about how many kids you'll have or when. These things work themselves out.
B. The more, the merrier — you've always thought it'd be cool to have enough kids to form your own band.
C. You're planning to have a couple of kids, spaced a few years apart, and timed to arrive at the most manageable date possible (like during summer break).
D. You're happy to have more kids — as long as your family can afford to keep up its current lifestyle.
E. Ask again later — you're not even thinking about getting pregnant again at the moment.
5. This year is a big anniversary for you and your partner. If you could have any piece of jewelry to commemorate the occasion, you'd choose:
A. A hand-beaded gold, turquoise, and coral necklace from Nepal
B. A cool choker made of interwoven strands of black leather and narrow gold chains
C. A pair of princess cut, half-carat diamond earrings
D. A platinum band set with a three-carat pink diamond
E. You'd rather spend the money on the baby — but wouldn't mind a simple necklace with your child's birthstone
6. Your family dream car is:
A. A refurbished VW bus with plenty of room and more attitude than a 2-year-old!
B. A candy-apple-red sports car with bucket seats for the kids
C. A fully loaded minivan, complete with dual DVDs and rotating captain's chairs
D. A shiny black Mercedes station wagon — accompanied by your own private chauffeur
E. Forget the family-mobile — you're happy sticking the car seat in the back of your current car
7. It's your turn to host a playdate for your moms' group. In an ideal world, you'd:
A. Throw some snacks in a bag and head outside — the outdoors is Mother Nature's playground!
B. Take the kids to see a local band and arrange for them to go backstage to talk to the musicians
C. Find a craft or game the kids can do together and get all the fixings for a cookie-decorating buffet
D. Rent out your local indoor playground for a private session and have sushi delivered
E. Put out some cheese and crackers for the moms and let the kids entertain themselves
8. It's spring break. Which trip floats your boat?
A. Road trip! We'll pack up the car and see where we end up.
B. Graceland. We'll visit the King, check out the local music scene, and enjoy the shops.
C. Southern California. We'll tour the San Diego Zoo and Disneyland and spend an afternoon at the beach.
D. Aspen. We'll hit the slopes, sit around the fireplace, and do some star-gazing � at celebrities, that is.
E. None of the above. I'd rather stay home and catch up on sleep, downtime, and laundry.
9. Smile! For this year's family photo theme, you're going with:
A. Candid beach shots
B. T-shirts and tattoos (real ones for you, fake for the kids)
C. All-American family out in the country
D. Black-and-white portraits with a sleek city skyline as the backdrop
E. Whatever happens to be in the background when the baby smiles
10. Your idea of quality time with your kids is:
A. Whenever you find yourselves laughing hysterically and collapsing in a group hug
B. An afternoon filled with good food, good friends, and good music
C. Enjoying some of your favorite traditions — even the simple ones like family game night and bedtime stories
D. Once-in-a-lifetime experiences you can have together, like visiting the pyramids or taking a swim with dolphins
E. Those quiet little moments during pregnancy when you feel your baby kick — or when your newborn stares into your eyes, smiles, and is content with the worldCongratulations, you finished the quiz! Now, look back over your answers — did you check mostly A, B, C, D, or E?
Mostly AThe Free Spirit — Like celeb mommies Kate Hudson and Maggie Gyllenhaal, you're a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of gal. You prefer to let your natural beauty shine through and to wear clothes that are colorful and comfortable. As a mom, you're focused on giving your kids the freedom to express themselves and the space to develop their own way of being in the world. You're not big into routines, but you are into creativity, free play, and lots and lots of laughter. Your kids appreciate your low-stress take on life and your ability to inject fun and lightheartedness into almost any situation. They're the ones most likely to be running naked on the beach, sand all over their faces, with smiles as big as the ocean.
Mostly BThe Rocker: Bursting with edgy style, you're most like rockin' moms Gwen Stefani and Christina Aguilera. You have a flair for the dramatic and can do looks from Marilyn Monroe to Marilyn Manson. You feel naked without your eyeliner and lipstick, and you change your hair color frequently — and we're not talking subtle changes. The kids on the playground dream of being as cool as your kids, who always create the most amazing art projects and think nothing of doing their homework in unusual venues as they tag along on family adventures. You know that education extends far beyond the four walls of a school. New places, varied people, and a vast array of experiences are key to your parenting philosophy — after all, you were born to be wild!
Mostly CKeeping It Real: You've got all-American style and traditional parenting norms to match, like celeb moms Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner, and Keri Russell. Your favorite everyday look is your broken-in jeans and a cute T-shirt, and your hair is usually twisted back into an unfussy knot or ponytail. As a mom, you're not afraid to get your hands dirty or take on a challenge — whether you're digging in the mud with your kids or whipping up cookies for the entire class. You're usually a calm disciplinarian who can handle even the craziest of tantrums. Your kids are likely well-adjusted munchkins who have a warm and genuine connection with you.
Mostly DPosh, Posh, Posh: You enjoy living the high life — much like celeb moms Victoria Beckham, Katie Holmes, and Kimora Lee Simmons. Always dressed to the nines, you'd sooner be caught dead than wearing something frumpy (no ratty old sweats for you!). You're by far the most stylish mom you know, and you take great pride in providing the highest-quality goods and experiences for your little ones. Oh, the Burberry, Dolce & Gabbana, and Juicy Couture in their closets! You're generous to a fault, and not just with material things — you have a huge heart and are happy to give time and energy to your kids and others. Though they may be the envy of their classmates, your children are surprisingly down-to-earth, and confident that they can do anything they set their minds to.
Mostly ELearning the Ropes: Along with celeb moms Nicole Richie, Halle Berry, and Jessica Alba, you're just starting out as a mom. Your changing body has thrown some fashion curves your way, and you may be getting by on less sleep than you thought humanly possible. When it comes to parenting, you haven't thought much about your ground rules and may not know the difference between a time-out and crying it out. But one thing you do know is how much you already love your little one, and what a miracle it is to bring a life into the world. Ready, set, go… you're on the journey of a lifetime!
by Lindsay WeissLast updated: March 2008
Are you a laid-back, go-with-the-flow momma like Kate Hudson? A hands-on mom like Jennifer Garner? Maybe you're an edgy rocker-type like Gwen Stefani. Or maybe you're expecting your first and aren't sure what mom style you'll call your own. Take the quiz below to find out more about your mommy style — and which famous moms you jibe with. And if you're hungry for the latest celebrity mom news, check out our blog FameBaby.
1. Spring is in the air, and you're itching to replenish your wardrobe. If you could go on a big shopping spree, you'd come home with:
A. Hippie-chick shirts and faded jeans, flowing sundresses, textured scarves, and chunky bracelets
B. Fitted, plunging tops and designer skinny jeans, animal-print belts and bags, a sexy siren-red dress, and four pairs of really high heels
C. Two more pairs of your favorite jeans, plain fitted tees in a variety of colors, some cute cotton loungewear and undergarments, and a colorful spring jacket
D. The entire spring line from Dior and a few things from the designer collection at Neimans. Oh, and the must-have Balenciaga bag and five or six pairs of Louboutins.
E. Velour sweats, pretty peasant blouses, and some stylish flip-flops and sneakers.
2. How do you feel about plastic surgery?
A. No way. These are character lines — and you'll be darned if someone's gonna Botox away your character!
B. You bet. You wouldn't mind fuller lips or even some permanent make-up.
C. No, thank you. But maybe someday you'll get a little something done.
D. Well, of course! Who wouldn't want to look younger?
E. Definitely not now. Your body's been through so many changes lately — you need to give it a break before even thinking about something like plastic surgery.
3. It's finally time for your long-awaited hair appointment. What are you going to ask for?
A. Just a snip here and there — you like your hair long and natural
B. Something dramatic — either platinum blond all over or a few pink highlights, depending on your mood
C. Your usual — a trim and discreet highlights to frame your face
D. A brand-new 'do — maybe a sleek, classy bob or something equally chic
E. Low maintenance — cute, easy, and long enough to pull into a ponytail
4. What's your approach to family planning?
A. You don't think too much about how many kids you'll have or when. These things work themselves out.
B. The more, the merrier — you've always thought it'd be cool to have enough kids to form your own band.
C. You're planning to have a couple of kids, spaced a few years apart, and timed to arrive at the most manageable date possible (like during summer break).
D. You're happy to have more kids — as long as your family can afford to keep up its current lifestyle.
E. Ask again later — you're not even thinking about getting pregnant again at the moment.
5. This year is a big anniversary for you and your partner. If you could have any piece of jewelry to commemorate the occasion, you'd choose:
A. A hand-beaded gold, turquoise, and coral necklace from Nepal
B. A cool choker made of interwoven strands of black leather and narrow gold chains
C. A pair of princess cut, half-carat diamond earrings
D. A platinum band set with a three-carat pink diamond
E. You'd rather spend the money on the baby — but wouldn't mind a simple necklace with your child's birthstone
6. Your family dream car is:
A. A refurbished VW bus with plenty of room and more attitude than a 2-year-old!
B. A candy-apple-red sports car with bucket seats for the kids
C. A fully loaded minivan, complete with dual DVDs and rotating captain's chairs
D. A shiny black Mercedes station wagon — accompanied by your own private chauffeur
E. Forget the family-mobile — you're happy sticking the car seat in the back of your current car
7. It's your turn to host a playdate for your moms' group. In an ideal world, you'd:
A. Throw some snacks in a bag and head outside — the outdoors is Mother Nature's playground!
B. Take the kids to see a local band and arrange for them to go backstage to talk to the musicians
C. Find a craft or game the kids can do together and get all the fixings for a cookie-decorating buffet
D. Rent out your local indoor playground for a private session and have sushi delivered
E. Put out some cheese and crackers for the moms and let the kids entertain themselves
8. It's spring break. Which trip floats your boat?
A. Road trip! We'll pack up the car and see where we end up.
B. Graceland. We'll visit the King, check out the local music scene, and enjoy the shops.
C. Southern California. We'll tour the San Diego Zoo and Disneyland and spend an afternoon at the beach.
D. Aspen. We'll hit the slopes, sit around the fireplace, and do some star-gazing � at celebrities, that is.
E. None of the above. I'd rather stay home and catch up on sleep, downtime, and laundry.
9. Smile! For this year's family photo theme, you're going with:
A. Candid beach shots
B. T-shirts and tattoos (real ones for you, fake for the kids)
C. All-American family out in the country
D. Black-and-white portraits with a sleek city skyline as the backdrop
E. Whatever happens to be in the background when the baby smiles
10. Your idea of quality time with your kids is:
A. Whenever you find yourselves laughing hysterically and collapsing in a group hug
B. An afternoon filled with good food, good friends, and good music
C. Enjoying some of your favorite traditions — even the simple ones like family game night and bedtime stories
D. Once-in-a-lifetime experiences you can have together, like visiting the pyramids or taking a swim with dolphins
E. Those quiet little moments during pregnancy when you feel your baby kick — or when your newborn stares into your eyes, smiles, and is content with the worldCongratulations, you finished the quiz! Now, look back over your answers — did you check mostly A, B, C, D, or E?
Mostly AThe Free Spirit — Like celeb mommies Kate Hudson and Maggie Gyllenhaal, you're a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of gal. You prefer to let your natural beauty shine through and to wear clothes that are colorful and comfortable. As a mom, you're focused on giving your kids the freedom to express themselves and the space to develop their own way of being in the world. You're not big into routines, but you are into creativity, free play, and lots and lots of laughter. Your kids appreciate your low-stress take on life and your ability to inject fun and lightheartedness into almost any situation. They're the ones most likely to be running naked on the beach, sand all over their faces, with smiles as big as the ocean.
Mostly BThe Rocker: Bursting with edgy style, you're most like rockin' moms Gwen Stefani and Christina Aguilera. You have a flair for the dramatic and can do looks from Marilyn Monroe to Marilyn Manson. You feel naked without your eyeliner and lipstick, and you change your hair color frequently — and we're not talking subtle changes. The kids on the playground dream of being as cool as your kids, who always create the most amazing art projects and think nothing of doing their homework in unusual venues as they tag along on family adventures. You know that education extends far beyond the four walls of a school. New places, varied people, and a vast array of experiences are key to your parenting philosophy — after all, you were born to be wild!
Mostly CKeeping It Real: You've got all-American style and traditional parenting norms to match, like celeb moms Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner, and Keri Russell. Your favorite everyday look is your broken-in jeans and a cute T-shirt, and your hair is usually twisted back into an unfussy knot or ponytail. As a mom, you're not afraid to get your hands dirty or take on a challenge — whether you're digging in the mud with your kids or whipping up cookies for the entire class. You're usually a calm disciplinarian who can handle even the craziest of tantrums. Your kids are likely well-adjusted munchkins who have a warm and genuine connection with you.
Mostly DPosh, Posh, Posh: You enjoy living the high life — much like celeb moms Victoria Beckham, Katie Holmes, and Kimora Lee Simmons. Always dressed to the nines, you'd sooner be caught dead than wearing something frumpy (no ratty old sweats for you!). You're by far the most stylish mom you know, and you take great pride in providing the highest-quality goods and experiences for your little ones. Oh, the Burberry, Dolce & Gabbana, and Juicy Couture in their closets! You're generous to a fault, and not just with material things — you have a huge heart and are happy to give time and energy to your kids and others. Though they may be the envy of their classmates, your children are surprisingly down-to-earth, and confident that they can do anything they set their minds to.
Mostly ELearning the Ropes: Along with celeb moms Nicole Richie, Halle Berry, and Jessica Alba, you're just starting out as a mom. Your changing body has thrown some fashion curves your way, and you may be getting by on less sleep than you thought humanly possible. When it comes to parenting, you haven't thought much about your ground rules and may not know the difference between a time-out and crying it out. But one thing you do know is how much you already love your little one, and what a miracle it is to bring a life into the world. Ready, set, go… you're on the journey of a lifetime!
The First Day
Send your kid off to kindergarten on the right foot.
by Virgina BowerPARENTGUIDE News September 2005
It’s that time of year again. Millions of parents will be getting their children prepared for the first day of kindergarten! I have one child heading off to college this September and one heading off to kindergarten!Over the years I learned so many things. One of the biggest and most important things I have learned is to make the first day of school special. It makes a huge difference in your child’s life. These are the ABCs of going back to school I used for many years:Admire your child’s strengths. Tell him how well he will do in school because he already knows how to color, paint and sing the ABCs.
Bond with your child. Let him know you are in this education thing together and he’s not alone.
Care: Put extra special care in everything you do on the first day of school, right down to standing in front of a mirror with him to admire how tall he is!
Devote your time. Try and take time off from work and spend he morning with the new student.
Enjoy every minute of it! You only get one of these first days every year, so enjoy all the attention you give your child!
Flatter your child after he dresses in his new school clothes. Makes sure he knows how great he looks.
Glow: Tell your child he is your sunshine. Your child will smile from ear to ear just knowing you are making this time for him special.
Hug often during the prep time.
Include: Get your child involved in making his lunch. Ask questions and see what he would like for lunch. This will also relax him. Allow him to pick out the outfit he wants to wear.
Joy: Show him a lot of joy. Tell him you expect to get a blow-by-blow discussion when he gets home. Tell him you want to know every detail.
Know he’s anxious, and let him know it’s normal to feel the way he’s feeling. Everyone gets a little nervous when they start something new.
Love: Say the words, “I love you!”
by Virgina BowerPARENTGUIDE News September 2005
It’s that time of year again. Millions of parents will be getting their children prepared for the first day of kindergarten! I have one child heading off to college this September and one heading off to kindergarten!Over the years I learned so many things. One of the biggest and most important things I have learned is to make the first day of school special. It makes a huge difference in your child’s life. These are the ABCs of going back to school I used for many years:Admire your child’s strengths. Tell him how well he will do in school because he already knows how to color, paint and sing the ABCs.
Bond with your child. Let him know you are in this education thing together and he’s not alone.
Care: Put extra special care in everything you do on the first day of school, right down to standing in front of a mirror with him to admire how tall he is!
Devote your time. Try and take time off from work and spend he morning with the new student.
Enjoy every minute of it! You only get one of these first days every year, so enjoy all the attention you give your child!
Flatter your child after he dresses in his new school clothes. Makes sure he knows how great he looks.
Glow: Tell your child he is your sunshine. Your child will smile from ear to ear just knowing you are making this time for him special.
Hug often during the prep time.
Include: Get your child involved in making his lunch. Ask questions and see what he would like for lunch. This will also relax him. Allow him to pick out the outfit he wants to wear.
Joy: Show him a lot of joy. Tell him you expect to get a blow-by-blow discussion when he gets home. Tell him you want to know every detail.
Know he’s anxious, and let him know it’s normal to feel the way he’s feeling. Everyone gets a little nervous when they start something new.
Love: Say the words, “I love you!”
Born Too Early
Expert information and advice about premature births.
by Mary Jane Minkin, M.D
PARENTGUIDE News May 2006 •
How does prenatal care factor into a woman’s risk of having a baby prematurely? Proper prenatal care can help increase women’s chances of having a full-term birth. Studies show that the sooner you start to take care of yourself when pregnant, the better your chances to deliver a full-term baby. I think most doctors agree that the sooner a pregnant woman begins taking care of herself, the better. Doctors can advise women on healthy practices to help ensure full-term pregnancies.
•Why should women find out as soon as possible if they are pregnant? It is important that women understand how critical early pregnancy detection and care is for the health of the developing fetus. Many crucial stages in a baby’s development occur before a woman may realize she is pregnant, even before she misses her first period. Many people are surprised to learn that several crucial organ systems, including the brain and spinal cord, have already begun to develop even before most women realize they are pregnant. Also for many women, the trigger to lessen their alcohol and caffeine intake is seeing a positive pregnancy test result.
•If you want to know you are pregnant as soon as possible, when should you start testing?Most women use an at-home pregnancy test to find out if they are pregnant. However, not all tests are the same. Look for at-home pregnancy test kits that specifically say you can test several days before your missed period. These are the tests that, for many women, are sensitive enough to detect low levels of the pregnancy hormone days before your expected period.
•Why are so many babies being born prematurely in the country?According to a survey sponsored by First Response, in conjunction with a partnership with the March of Dimes, one-fifth (20 percent) of women who have been pregnant say they did not visit their doctors for early prenatal care (within the first three months of pregnancy). Engaging in early proper prenatal care betters your chances of having a healthier, full-term pregnancy— something a large demographic of women are missing out on, as the survey indicates. Furthermore, scientists have not yet developed fully effective ways to help prevent premature deliveries, despite the advances in care for premature babies.
•What are the causes of premature births? One out of every eight babies is born too soon. Premature birth is the number one killer of newborns and takes an enormous emotional and financial toll on families.According to the March of Dimes, the cause for nearly half of premature births is unknown. Studies suggest that there are four main factors that can lead to premature labor. -Maternal or fetal stress can result in changes in hormones involved in pregnancy and labor, such as corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH). CRH may stimulate production of other hormones that can cause uterine contractions and premature delivery. -Premature labor can result from the body’s immune system fighting off bacterial infections. Infections can vary from genital and urinary tracts to fetal membranes. Periodontal disease may also contribute to premature birth. -If the uterus begins bleeding as a result of placental abruption, for example, the bleeding can trigger the release of proteins that help to clot the blood, which may stimulate uterine contractions. -An overstretched uterus can prompt the release of chemicals that stimulate uterine contractions. The uterus can become overstretched when a mother is carrying multiples, such as a twin pregnancy, causing excessive amounts of amniotic fluid and/or unusual developments in the uterus or placenta.
•What sort of things are discussed or done at early prenatal visits?Your practitioner will discuss your physical and emotional state and any concerns or questions you may have. Your practitioner will measure your weight, blood pressure and abdomen, and assess general health. Based on these standard procedures and any additional tests that may be necessary, your practitioner will discuss any implications from your test results, in addition to explaining what you should be experiencing in the coming weeks before your next visit. Your practitioner should also advise you of any warning signs of preterm labor that may occur and the proper steps to take should they occur. Finally, your doctor should inform you of optional prenatal tests that can help determine risk for birth defects your baby might have developed.
•Besides getting this early care are there any other steps pregnant women can take to decrease their chances of having a baby born premature?
In addition to paying regular visits to physicians, women should follow healthy diets and lifestyles. Healthy practices include watching your diet— ingesting more protein and iron and limiting any harmful foods like undercooked meat, taking standard prenatal vitamins containing folic acid, exercising regularly, getting proper rest, cutting back on caffeine and avoiding all alcohol, drug and cigarette smoke intake. Any chronic illnesses should be treated. Women should discuss any prescription, over-the-counter or herbal medications with their obstetric provider. Additionally, regular visits to the dentist are important because dentists can monitor for bacterial infections that develop in the gums that increase risk for preterm birth.
•Why do you think premature births are on the rise? With many couples starting families later in life and/or facing fertility problems, in vitro fertilization as a treatment has resulted in multiple gestations (twins, etc.), the majority of which are born too soon. There are also many women who are not taking the best care of themselves during pregnancy. Among women who have been pregnant, half (55 percent) say their pregnancy was unplanned (according to the survey mentioned earlier). Having an unplanned pregnancy can delay pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. Obesity is another factor. As our country faces an obesity epidemic, mothers should be aware that the more obese they are, the more susceptible they are to hypertension and other complications that can lead to early delivery.
•What is the biggest message you’d like to get out to women this year?Seek prenatal care right away. The sooner women learn they are pregnant, the earlier they can begin engaging in healthy activities that will enhance their opportunity for a healthy, full-term pregnancy. Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., is a board-certified obstetrician/gynecologist in private practice in New Haven, CT, and a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine. Here, she helps us understand premature births and how they could be prevented.
by Mary Jane Minkin, M.D
PARENTGUIDE News May 2006 •
How does prenatal care factor into a woman’s risk of having a baby prematurely? Proper prenatal care can help increase women’s chances of having a full-term birth. Studies show that the sooner you start to take care of yourself when pregnant, the better your chances to deliver a full-term baby. I think most doctors agree that the sooner a pregnant woman begins taking care of herself, the better. Doctors can advise women on healthy practices to help ensure full-term pregnancies.
•Why should women find out as soon as possible if they are pregnant? It is important that women understand how critical early pregnancy detection and care is for the health of the developing fetus. Many crucial stages in a baby’s development occur before a woman may realize she is pregnant, even before she misses her first period. Many people are surprised to learn that several crucial organ systems, including the brain and spinal cord, have already begun to develop even before most women realize they are pregnant. Also for many women, the trigger to lessen their alcohol and caffeine intake is seeing a positive pregnancy test result.
•If you want to know you are pregnant as soon as possible, when should you start testing?Most women use an at-home pregnancy test to find out if they are pregnant. However, not all tests are the same. Look for at-home pregnancy test kits that specifically say you can test several days before your missed period. These are the tests that, for many women, are sensitive enough to detect low levels of the pregnancy hormone days before your expected period.
•Why are so many babies being born prematurely in the country?According to a survey sponsored by First Response, in conjunction with a partnership with the March of Dimes, one-fifth (20 percent) of women who have been pregnant say they did not visit their doctors for early prenatal care (within the first three months of pregnancy). Engaging in early proper prenatal care betters your chances of having a healthier, full-term pregnancy— something a large demographic of women are missing out on, as the survey indicates. Furthermore, scientists have not yet developed fully effective ways to help prevent premature deliveries, despite the advances in care for premature babies.
•What are the causes of premature births? One out of every eight babies is born too soon. Premature birth is the number one killer of newborns and takes an enormous emotional and financial toll on families.According to the March of Dimes, the cause for nearly half of premature births is unknown. Studies suggest that there are four main factors that can lead to premature labor. -Maternal or fetal stress can result in changes in hormones involved in pregnancy and labor, such as corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH). CRH may stimulate production of other hormones that can cause uterine contractions and premature delivery. -Premature labor can result from the body’s immune system fighting off bacterial infections. Infections can vary from genital and urinary tracts to fetal membranes. Periodontal disease may also contribute to premature birth. -If the uterus begins bleeding as a result of placental abruption, for example, the bleeding can trigger the release of proteins that help to clot the blood, which may stimulate uterine contractions. -An overstretched uterus can prompt the release of chemicals that stimulate uterine contractions. The uterus can become overstretched when a mother is carrying multiples, such as a twin pregnancy, causing excessive amounts of amniotic fluid and/or unusual developments in the uterus or placenta.
•What sort of things are discussed or done at early prenatal visits?Your practitioner will discuss your physical and emotional state and any concerns or questions you may have. Your practitioner will measure your weight, blood pressure and abdomen, and assess general health. Based on these standard procedures and any additional tests that may be necessary, your practitioner will discuss any implications from your test results, in addition to explaining what you should be experiencing in the coming weeks before your next visit. Your practitioner should also advise you of any warning signs of preterm labor that may occur and the proper steps to take should they occur. Finally, your doctor should inform you of optional prenatal tests that can help determine risk for birth defects your baby might have developed.
•Besides getting this early care are there any other steps pregnant women can take to decrease their chances of having a baby born premature?
In addition to paying regular visits to physicians, women should follow healthy diets and lifestyles. Healthy practices include watching your diet— ingesting more protein and iron and limiting any harmful foods like undercooked meat, taking standard prenatal vitamins containing folic acid, exercising regularly, getting proper rest, cutting back on caffeine and avoiding all alcohol, drug and cigarette smoke intake. Any chronic illnesses should be treated. Women should discuss any prescription, over-the-counter or herbal medications with their obstetric provider. Additionally, regular visits to the dentist are important because dentists can monitor for bacterial infections that develop in the gums that increase risk for preterm birth.
•Why do you think premature births are on the rise? With many couples starting families later in life and/or facing fertility problems, in vitro fertilization as a treatment has resulted in multiple gestations (twins, etc.), the majority of which are born too soon. There are also many women who are not taking the best care of themselves during pregnancy. Among women who have been pregnant, half (55 percent) say their pregnancy was unplanned (according to the survey mentioned earlier). Having an unplanned pregnancy can delay pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. Obesity is another factor. As our country faces an obesity epidemic, mothers should be aware that the more obese they are, the more susceptible they are to hypertension and other complications that can lead to early delivery.
•What is the biggest message you’d like to get out to women this year?Seek prenatal care right away. The sooner women learn they are pregnant, the earlier they can begin engaging in healthy activities that will enhance their opportunity for a healthy, full-term pregnancy. Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., is a board-certified obstetrician/gynecologist in private practice in New Haven, CT, and a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine. Here, she helps us understand premature births and how they could be prevented.
How Smart is My Child?
Ways to discover and nurture your young child’s intelligence.
by Dr. Patricia A. VardinPARENTGUIDE NEWS FEBRUARY 2005
Dr. Howard Gardner, of Harvard University, has spent years investigating children’s thinking and learning. He believes that all children have differing abilities or different ways of being smart. He calls these different capacities “multiple intelligences.” Gardner sees intelligences as potentials, that may or may not be activated, depending upon the experiences available to the child in his environment. So far, Dr. Gardner has described eight intelligences, although he says that there may be others yet to be found. How do I observe my child’s intelligences?·What activities or interests does my child seem to pursue on his own?·What activities or interests seem to capture my child’s attention for longer periods of time than other things?·What does my child say are his favorite things to do?·What activity, and in what setting, seems to make my child the happiest?Remember that your child will probably reveal some combination of all the eight intelligences, but some may be more pronounced than others.
• 1.Verbal-Linguistic Intelligence Sensitivity to the spoken word and written language, the ability to learn language and the capacity to use language to accomplish goals. Teachers, lawyers, translators, writers and speakers show a high level of performance in the area of verbal-linguistic intelligence.Children use language from the first year of life beginning with cooing and babbling . Some children speak early and are nonstop talkers, loving to play with sounds and words. They seem to love saying, hearing and seeing words. They learn new vocabulary and complex sentence structure easily. They seem to have excellent auditory skills and remember a lot of what they hear. They are capable of learning and using more than one language with little difficulty. They have a passion for books and love stories and jokes. They are often very early readers and writers and are good conversationalists for their age.
How to nurture verbal-linguistic intelligence:·Read to your child everyday— especially at bed time.·Talk to your child and with your child about any topic that is of interest to you both.·Tell your child stories.·Encourage your child to tell you stories and write them down.·Make books with your child.·Ask your child to tell you about his artwork and write it down.·Use a second language at home.·Take your child to language lessons if they are fun for your child.·Take your child to the library and let your child select and take out books.·Go on field trips to see new things. Encourage him to talk about what he sees and ask questions.·Attend storytelling sessions, puppet shows and theatre for children.
• 2. Logical-Mathematical Intelligence The capacity to analyze problems logically, carry out mathematical operations and investigate issues scientifically. Mathematicians, logicians and scientists show a high level of performance in the area of logical-mathematical intelligence.Some children seem to especially enjoy learning and applying math concepts more than others. They seem to love counting, comparing amounts, measuring things around the house and playing with geometric shapes. They learn math concepts and skills eagerly and with ease. They love games that are based on quantity and strategies. They also enjoy activities that include adding and subtracting, chance and probability and rules and scores. Such children will often play math games for long stretches of time and delight in stories that include math ideas or math problems. They also seem to be curious and explorative. •How to nurture logical-mathematical intelligence:·Provide your child with objects to manipulate and count such as cubes, plastic bears, poker chips, miniature cars.·Play games with your child that involve numbers like cards, dice and bingo.·Teach your child games that involve strategies like checkers, connect-4 and chess.·Encourage your child to ask questions and ask your child questions in return, e.g, what do you think will happen if…? how can we find out…?·Read books to your child that include math problems or ideas.·Provide your child with math computer games and play the games with him.·Do math around the house, e.g. when setting the table count how many dishes are needed, check the time on the clock, read the weather thermometer, measure amounts in cooking, use a scale, etc.
• 3. Musical Intelligence The ability to perform, compose, comprehend and appreciate musical forms and patterns. People who are instrumentalists, composers and conductors show a high level of performance in the area of musical intelligence.These children may show a strong sense of rhythm, excellent pitch, make every toy or object into a percussion instrument, continually sing around the house and in the car, memorize songs and melodies easily and spend lots of time listening to musical CDs and videos. They may be intrigued by watching older children or adults playing instruments and ask to play an instrument at an early age.•How to nurture musical intelligence:·Sing, hum and tap out rhythms with your child.·Play all types of music for your child on a CD or tape player.·Provide your child with simple rhythmic and melodic instruments such as a small drum, xylophone and a recorder.·Make simple instruments and explore their sounds.·Encourage your child to study an instrument and/or enroll in music programs for children.·Take your child to concerts.·Expose your child to a variety of music.·Encourage your child to compose music and record it.• 4. Bodily-Kinesthetic IntelligenceThe ability to use one’s whole body or parts of the body, like the hand, to solve problems or fashion products. People who are dancers, athletes, surgeons, mechanics, artisans and actors show a high level of performance in the area of bodily-kinesthetic intelligence. Some children seem to use their bodies as their primary way of exploring the world and learning. They show exceptional skills in dance , gymnastics or sports at a very early age. They are eager to play games with lots of physical action, learn sport skills easily and enjoy practicing what they have learned. They tend to have good coordination and control over their bodies.•How to nurture bodily-kinesthetic intelligence:·Provide opportunities for your child to be physically active during the day.·Enroll your child in dance, gymnastics or sports programs to help the development of his skills.·Do physical activities with your child, e.g. play ball, dance, skate, run, jump rope, swim, exercise.·Take walks and run with your child.·Encourage your child to use his or her body in creative ways.·Make art projects and models, as well as play with construction sets with your child
• 5. Spatial/Visual IntelligenceThe ability to recognize and manipulate the patterns of spaces both wide and confined. People who are navigators, pilots, sculptors, chess players, graphic artists and architects show a high level of performance in the area of spatial intelligence. Some children have a passion to draw, design and construct things. They love block building and are fascinated with machines and how things work. They have a great sense of direction, know where everything is located and love to arrange things in spaces. They often like two and three dimensional puzzles. They tend to think in visual images and representations, so they are often able to paint or sculpt or create places and things they have seen from memory. They might also enjoy taking photographs, videos and playing with computer images.•How to nurture spatial/visual intelligence:·Provide your child with materials to design and build.·Encourage your child to read maps and follow them when you go out.·Permit your child to arrange and organize his things.·Provide your child with multi-dimensional puzzles and games.·Encourage your child to draw and sculpt, take photos and videos.·Play computer games that focus on design and construction.
• 6. Interpersonal IntelligenceThe capacity to understand the intentions, motivations and desires of other people. People who are clinicians, politicians, actors, salespeople, religious leaders and teachers show a high level of performance in the areas of interpersonal intelligence.Some children seem to be able to relate to other children and adults more easily and at an earlier age. They also seem to be able to understand the thoughts and feelings of others and respond accordingly, although they can be manipulative if they are not properly nurtured to use their abilities in a positive way. They often take leadership roles within their peer group and have many friends. They are able to share, cooperate, lead, follow and know what to do. Girls often show these abilities earlier then boys.How to nurture interpersonal intelligence:·Provide your child with opportunities to play and be with other children.·Give your child opportunities to do group activities.·Discuss relationships with your child.·Help your child to further develop his people skills by discussing other people’s perspectives and views.·Read stories and discuss the motivations and the needs of the characters.
• 7. Intrapersonal IntelligenceThe capacity to understand oneself, to have an effective working model of oneself, including one’s own desires, fears and abilities; and use such information effectively in regulating one’s own life. People who are philosophers and writers show a high level of performance in the areas of intrapersonal intelligence.Some children show an early ability to understand their own thoughts and feelings, strengths and weaknesses, passions and ideas. These children are sometimes more solitary, need more private time and space, and enjoy focusing on what interests them and pursuing it. • How to nurture intrapersonal intelligence:·Encourage your child to pursue personal interests and passions.·Talk to your child about his thoughts, feelings, dreams, ideas.·Read biographies of famous people and discuss their dreams and accomplishments with your child.·Share your own thoughts, feelings and dreams with your child.• 8. Naturalist IntelligenceThe ability to recognize and classify both natural and artificial objects in the environment. Botanists, geologists, farmers and archeologists show a high level of performance in the area of naturalist intelligence.Most children love to be outdoors, running and playing, enjoying the wonders of nature. Some children seem to be deeply captivated by the wonders in nature, from the smallest insect to the tallest tree. These children enjoy observing nature under a magnifying glass, under a microscope or through a telescope. They love to spend long hours observing a still-water pool or sifting through sand at the beach. They will often memorize lists of names of animals like dinosaurs, planets, land forms and rocks.•How to nurture naturalist intelligence:·Spend time outdoors exploring and discovering nature’s wonders with your child.·Plant a garden with your child.·Keep a pet and learn to care for it.·Provide your child with some basic tools for observing things close up or far away such as a magnifying glass, a microscope, binoculars or a telescope.·Read books about nature.·Make collections of objects and compare, contrast and sort them.·Play nature games that help your child review the information he has learned about plants or animals.When choosing a program or school for your child, try to find one that supports the continuing enhancement and development of your child’s intelligences. Giving your child the opportunity to use their intelligences to learn and grow is the key to their success in school and in life.
Dr. Patricia A. Vardin is an associate professor and chair of the Early Childhood Education Department at Manhattanville College in New York. She is also a child development/educational consultant and a parent educator.
by Dr. Patricia A. VardinPARENTGUIDE NEWS FEBRUARY 2005
Dr. Howard Gardner, of Harvard University, has spent years investigating children’s thinking and learning. He believes that all children have differing abilities or different ways of being smart. He calls these different capacities “multiple intelligences.” Gardner sees intelligences as potentials, that may or may not be activated, depending upon the experiences available to the child in his environment. So far, Dr. Gardner has described eight intelligences, although he says that there may be others yet to be found. How do I observe my child’s intelligences?·What activities or interests does my child seem to pursue on his own?·What activities or interests seem to capture my child’s attention for longer periods of time than other things?·What does my child say are his favorite things to do?·What activity, and in what setting, seems to make my child the happiest?Remember that your child will probably reveal some combination of all the eight intelligences, but some may be more pronounced than others.
• 1.Verbal-Linguistic Intelligence Sensitivity to the spoken word and written language, the ability to learn language and the capacity to use language to accomplish goals. Teachers, lawyers, translators, writers and speakers show a high level of performance in the area of verbal-linguistic intelligence.Children use language from the first year of life beginning with cooing and babbling . Some children speak early and are nonstop talkers, loving to play with sounds and words. They seem to love saying, hearing and seeing words. They learn new vocabulary and complex sentence structure easily. They seem to have excellent auditory skills and remember a lot of what they hear. They are capable of learning and using more than one language with little difficulty. They have a passion for books and love stories and jokes. They are often very early readers and writers and are good conversationalists for their age.
How to nurture verbal-linguistic intelligence:·Read to your child everyday— especially at bed time.·Talk to your child and with your child about any topic that is of interest to you both.·Tell your child stories.·Encourage your child to tell you stories and write them down.·Make books with your child.·Ask your child to tell you about his artwork and write it down.·Use a second language at home.·Take your child to language lessons if they are fun for your child.·Take your child to the library and let your child select and take out books.·Go on field trips to see new things. Encourage him to talk about what he sees and ask questions.·Attend storytelling sessions, puppet shows and theatre for children.
• 2. Logical-Mathematical Intelligence The capacity to analyze problems logically, carry out mathematical operations and investigate issues scientifically. Mathematicians, logicians and scientists show a high level of performance in the area of logical-mathematical intelligence.Some children seem to especially enjoy learning and applying math concepts more than others. They seem to love counting, comparing amounts, measuring things around the house and playing with geometric shapes. They learn math concepts and skills eagerly and with ease. They love games that are based on quantity and strategies. They also enjoy activities that include adding and subtracting, chance and probability and rules and scores. Such children will often play math games for long stretches of time and delight in stories that include math ideas or math problems. They also seem to be curious and explorative. •How to nurture logical-mathematical intelligence:·Provide your child with objects to manipulate and count such as cubes, plastic bears, poker chips, miniature cars.·Play games with your child that involve numbers like cards, dice and bingo.·Teach your child games that involve strategies like checkers, connect-4 and chess.·Encourage your child to ask questions and ask your child questions in return, e.g, what do you think will happen if…? how can we find out…?·Read books to your child that include math problems or ideas.·Provide your child with math computer games and play the games with him.·Do math around the house, e.g. when setting the table count how many dishes are needed, check the time on the clock, read the weather thermometer, measure amounts in cooking, use a scale, etc.
• 3. Musical Intelligence The ability to perform, compose, comprehend and appreciate musical forms and patterns. People who are instrumentalists, composers and conductors show a high level of performance in the area of musical intelligence.These children may show a strong sense of rhythm, excellent pitch, make every toy or object into a percussion instrument, continually sing around the house and in the car, memorize songs and melodies easily and spend lots of time listening to musical CDs and videos. They may be intrigued by watching older children or adults playing instruments and ask to play an instrument at an early age.•How to nurture musical intelligence:·Sing, hum and tap out rhythms with your child.·Play all types of music for your child on a CD or tape player.·Provide your child with simple rhythmic and melodic instruments such as a small drum, xylophone and a recorder.·Make simple instruments and explore their sounds.·Encourage your child to study an instrument and/or enroll in music programs for children.·Take your child to concerts.·Expose your child to a variety of music.·Encourage your child to compose music and record it.• 4. Bodily-Kinesthetic IntelligenceThe ability to use one’s whole body or parts of the body, like the hand, to solve problems or fashion products. People who are dancers, athletes, surgeons, mechanics, artisans and actors show a high level of performance in the area of bodily-kinesthetic intelligence. Some children seem to use their bodies as their primary way of exploring the world and learning. They show exceptional skills in dance , gymnastics or sports at a very early age. They are eager to play games with lots of physical action, learn sport skills easily and enjoy practicing what they have learned. They tend to have good coordination and control over their bodies.•How to nurture bodily-kinesthetic intelligence:·Provide opportunities for your child to be physically active during the day.·Enroll your child in dance, gymnastics or sports programs to help the development of his skills.·Do physical activities with your child, e.g. play ball, dance, skate, run, jump rope, swim, exercise.·Take walks and run with your child.·Encourage your child to use his or her body in creative ways.·Make art projects and models, as well as play with construction sets with your child
• 5. Spatial/Visual IntelligenceThe ability to recognize and manipulate the patterns of spaces both wide and confined. People who are navigators, pilots, sculptors, chess players, graphic artists and architects show a high level of performance in the area of spatial intelligence. Some children have a passion to draw, design and construct things. They love block building and are fascinated with machines and how things work. They have a great sense of direction, know where everything is located and love to arrange things in spaces. They often like two and three dimensional puzzles. They tend to think in visual images and representations, so they are often able to paint or sculpt or create places and things they have seen from memory. They might also enjoy taking photographs, videos and playing with computer images.•How to nurture spatial/visual intelligence:·Provide your child with materials to design and build.·Encourage your child to read maps and follow them when you go out.·Permit your child to arrange and organize his things.·Provide your child with multi-dimensional puzzles and games.·Encourage your child to draw and sculpt, take photos and videos.·Play computer games that focus on design and construction.
• 6. Interpersonal IntelligenceThe capacity to understand the intentions, motivations and desires of other people. People who are clinicians, politicians, actors, salespeople, religious leaders and teachers show a high level of performance in the areas of interpersonal intelligence.Some children seem to be able to relate to other children and adults more easily and at an earlier age. They also seem to be able to understand the thoughts and feelings of others and respond accordingly, although they can be manipulative if they are not properly nurtured to use their abilities in a positive way. They often take leadership roles within their peer group and have many friends. They are able to share, cooperate, lead, follow and know what to do. Girls often show these abilities earlier then boys.How to nurture interpersonal intelligence:·Provide your child with opportunities to play and be with other children.·Give your child opportunities to do group activities.·Discuss relationships with your child.·Help your child to further develop his people skills by discussing other people’s perspectives and views.·Read stories and discuss the motivations and the needs of the characters.
• 7. Intrapersonal IntelligenceThe capacity to understand oneself, to have an effective working model of oneself, including one’s own desires, fears and abilities; and use such information effectively in regulating one’s own life. People who are philosophers and writers show a high level of performance in the areas of intrapersonal intelligence.Some children show an early ability to understand their own thoughts and feelings, strengths and weaknesses, passions and ideas. These children are sometimes more solitary, need more private time and space, and enjoy focusing on what interests them and pursuing it. • How to nurture intrapersonal intelligence:·Encourage your child to pursue personal interests and passions.·Talk to your child about his thoughts, feelings, dreams, ideas.·Read biographies of famous people and discuss their dreams and accomplishments with your child.·Share your own thoughts, feelings and dreams with your child.• 8. Naturalist IntelligenceThe ability to recognize and classify both natural and artificial objects in the environment. Botanists, geologists, farmers and archeologists show a high level of performance in the area of naturalist intelligence.Most children love to be outdoors, running and playing, enjoying the wonders of nature. Some children seem to be deeply captivated by the wonders in nature, from the smallest insect to the tallest tree. These children enjoy observing nature under a magnifying glass, under a microscope or through a telescope. They love to spend long hours observing a still-water pool or sifting through sand at the beach. They will often memorize lists of names of animals like dinosaurs, planets, land forms and rocks.•How to nurture naturalist intelligence:·Spend time outdoors exploring and discovering nature’s wonders with your child.·Plant a garden with your child.·Keep a pet and learn to care for it.·Provide your child with some basic tools for observing things close up or far away such as a magnifying glass, a microscope, binoculars or a telescope.·Read books about nature.·Make collections of objects and compare, contrast and sort them.·Play nature games that help your child review the information he has learned about plants or animals.When choosing a program or school for your child, try to find one that supports the continuing enhancement and development of your child’s intelligences. Giving your child the opportunity to use their intelligences to learn and grow is the key to their success in school and in life.
Dr. Patricia A. Vardin is an associate professor and chair of the Early Childhood Education Department at Manhattanville College in New York. She is also a child development/educational consultant and a parent educator.
Busy MomsHow to keep the balance and organize your life
by Dorothy Breininger
PARENTGUIDE NEWS April 2007
Today’s busy moms don’t have enough hands, enough time in the day, or enough energy to balance work and play. A focus on organization— rather than perfection— may be the key to balancing work and play for today’s busy moms. Here are seven essential ingredients to help women balance and organize their worlds:
•Essential Ingredient #1: Make Time to Nurture Yourself.•Essential Ingredient #2: Take Charge of Your Parenting Style/Philosophy.•Essential Ingredient #3: Implement Creative Solutions (with an Organized Approach).•Essential Ingredient #4: Feed Your Soul.•Essential Ingredient #5: Keep an Organized Home.•Essential Ingredient #6: Solicit Help.•Essential Ingredient #7: Make Time to Slow Down.
In Chicken Soup for the Soul - Life Lessons for Busy Moms (HCI), my colleagues and I help busy moms find optimistic approaches to nurture their whole selves, re-ignite their souls and spirits, as well as implement practical and crucial organizing tips which can transform their daily lives. According to a report by the United States Department of Labor, between the years 1970 and 2004, the percentage of women in the workforce increased from 43 to 59 percent. In a study prepared by Pace Productivity Incorporated, stay-at-home mothers work an average of 72.4 hours a week on all home and child-related activities. Mothers who have full-time jobs work an average of 83.3 hours a week including their paid position and their home and child-related activities. Even mothers who work from the home essentially work the same number of hours as those who work full-time outside of the home.Lori Radun wrote in her article “The Busy Mom- Is It Your Choice?,” “When life is too busy, stress increases and adrenaline levels rise. Eventually, our bodies begin to tell us we are in trouble. Common problems of an over-stressed lifestyle include physical illness, disease, anxiety and depression. Our bodies can handle only so much before they scream STOP!”Moms are in need of support and guidance to use their time more effectively. Women with children are constantly multi-tasking, managing their household, attending to their children’s daily activities, shopping for groceries and running errands to get essential items for their spouse and children to ensure their families’ lives are functioning. Rarely do these busy moms have the time to even get their own basic needs met, whether it be taking a morning shower or attending to their own personal medical appointment. By creating some windows of time to nurture themselves, busy moms may be able to reconnect with their “sense of self” that is sometimes “misplaced” when they are embroiled in the hectic role of motherhood. Setting and achieving realistic goals can actually make us happier: When we achieve a goal, our brain produces dopamine— the neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of pleasure. The production of dopamine in turn creates neural activity, which in fact makes you eager to pursue more new challenges. The key to organizing our lives and creating goals is to keep them realistically achievable— breaking huge projects down into smaller, more manageable ones allows moms to take advantage of the small windows of time that organizing strategies can make available. Finally, it must be acknowledged that busy moms are fast becoming busy care-takers too. The sandwich generation is back, according to co-authors Debby Bitticks, CEO, and Lynn Benson, president, of Delphi Health Products, Inc. Bitticks is a nationally-recognized intergenerational expert, and Benson is a busy Mom who holds a masters in Social Work. The little bit of time a Mom may have had to herself has been replaced with the oversight of an aging parent. Consider this: When we continue to take more and more funds out of our bank accounts without adding a drop of money, our account becomes depleted, then empty. That’s how our body operates. By investing in our well-being, the dividends will pay off handsomely toward our happiness and contentment. And what a profound difference our well-being can make on our entire family.
Dorothy Breininger is America’s most trusted professional organizer and CEO of the Center for Organization. Breininger is also author of several books including Chicken Soup for the Soul - Life Lessons for Busy Moms: 7 Essential Ingredients to Organize & Balance Your World (HCI), and Time Efficiency Makeover (HCI)— a workbook for procrastinators, and The Senior Organizer. Breininger serves on the board of directors for NAPO (National Association of Professional Organizers) and is a member of the NSGCD (National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization). National speaking favorite and product spokesperson, Breininger has appeared as an expert on the Today Show, the Dr. Phil Show, and has been featured in Forbes, Woman’s Day, Fast Company and Entrepreneur Magazines.
PARENTGUIDE NEWS April 2007
Today’s busy moms don’t have enough hands, enough time in the day, or enough energy to balance work and play. A focus on organization— rather than perfection— may be the key to balancing work and play for today’s busy moms. Here are seven essential ingredients to help women balance and organize their worlds:
•Essential Ingredient #1: Make Time to Nurture Yourself.•Essential Ingredient #2: Take Charge of Your Parenting Style/Philosophy.•Essential Ingredient #3: Implement Creative Solutions (with an Organized Approach).•Essential Ingredient #4: Feed Your Soul.•Essential Ingredient #5: Keep an Organized Home.•Essential Ingredient #6: Solicit Help.•Essential Ingredient #7: Make Time to Slow Down.
In Chicken Soup for the Soul - Life Lessons for Busy Moms (HCI), my colleagues and I help busy moms find optimistic approaches to nurture their whole selves, re-ignite their souls and spirits, as well as implement practical and crucial organizing tips which can transform their daily lives. According to a report by the United States Department of Labor, between the years 1970 and 2004, the percentage of women in the workforce increased from 43 to 59 percent. In a study prepared by Pace Productivity Incorporated, stay-at-home mothers work an average of 72.4 hours a week on all home and child-related activities. Mothers who have full-time jobs work an average of 83.3 hours a week including their paid position and their home and child-related activities. Even mothers who work from the home essentially work the same number of hours as those who work full-time outside of the home.Lori Radun wrote in her article “The Busy Mom- Is It Your Choice?,” “When life is too busy, stress increases and adrenaline levels rise. Eventually, our bodies begin to tell us we are in trouble. Common problems of an over-stressed lifestyle include physical illness, disease, anxiety and depression. Our bodies can handle only so much before they scream STOP!”Moms are in need of support and guidance to use their time more effectively. Women with children are constantly multi-tasking, managing their household, attending to their children’s daily activities, shopping for groceries and running errands to get essential items for their spouse and children to ensure their families’ lives are functioning. Rarely do these busy moms have the time to even get their own basic needs met, whether it be taking a morning shower or attending to their own personal medical appointment. By creating some windows of time to nurture themselves, busy moms may be able to reconnect with their “sense of self” that is sometimes “misplaced” when they are embroiled in the hectic role of motherhood. Setting and achieving realistic goals can actually make us happier: When we achieve a goal, our brain produces dopamine— the neurotransmitter that is responsible for feelings of pleasure. The production of dopamine in turn creates neural activity, which in fact makes you eager to pursue more new challenges. The key to organizing our lives and creating goals is to keep them realistically achievable— breaking huge projects down into smaller, more manageable ones allows moms to take advantage of the small windows of time that organizing strategies can make available. Finally, it must be acknowledged that busy moms are fast becoming busy care-takers too. The sandwich generation is back, according to co-authors Debby Bitticks, CEO, and Lynn Benson, president, of Delphi Health Products, Inc. Bitticks is a nationally-recognized intergenerational expert, and Benson is a busy Mom who holds a masters in Social Work. The little bit of time a Mom may have had to herself has been replaced with the oversight of an aging parent. Consider this: When we continue to take more and more funds out of our bank accounts without adding a drop of money, our account becomes depleted, then empty. That’s how our body operates. By investing in our well-being, the dividends will pay off handsomely toward our happiness and contentment. And what a profound difference our well-being can make on our entire family.
Dorothy Breininger is America’s most trusted professional organizer and CEO of the Center for Organization. Breininger is also author of several books including Chicken Soup for the Soul - Life Lessons for Busy Moms: 7 Essential Ingredients to Organize & Balance Your World (HCI), and Time Efficiency Makeover (HCI)— a workbook for procrastinators, and The Senior Organizer. Breininger serves on the board of directors for NAPO (National Association of Professional Organizers) and is a member of the NSGCD (National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization). National speaking favorite and product spokesperson, Breininger has appeared as an expert on the Today Show, the Dr. Phil Show, and has been featured in Forbes, Woman’s Day, Fast Company and Entrepreneur Magazines.
The Perfectionist Parent
By Laura Hilgers
Introduction
Dynamic Duo Studio
The moment I saw my daughter, I knew I'd made a terrible mistake. Her eyes were red. Her face was puffy from crying. And she looked at me like I was the worst mother on the planet. Perhaps I was.
She had just received a "Good Citizen" award at the school assembly, and I had missed it. I didn't mean to. In truth, I'd planned my whole day around the assembly. Willa had been one of three first-graders in her class chosen to receive the award, and I was so proud of her that I gathered an embarrassingly large entourage of relatives to witness her moment of glory. I also carefully marked it on our calendar: Assembly, Friday at 10:30. But I was wrong. The assembly had started at 9:45. By the time we arrived, Willa had already received her award.
As I held her afterward, I tried to explain that I was horribly, horribly sorry and that even grown-ups make mistakes. "This," she replied, as if knowing exactly where to pierce my heart, "is the biggest mistake you've ever made." That's when I realized that I was never going to be the perfect parent, no matter how hard I tried. It was another painful reminder that I wasn't even close.
We all know who that perfect parent is supposed to be: The person who's always loving and always around when kids need help with homework or need to be tucked into bed at night, who never loses his or her temper, never desperately craves time to be alone, and never misses assemblies.
No such parents exist, of course. And if they come close, it's sometimes at great cost to themselves and their families. Mothers and fathers who strive for perfection often, ironically, do their children more harm than good. "Parents who cannot tolerate their imperfections often cannot tolerate their children's either," says H. David Stein, M.D., a psychoanalyst in New York City. "As a result, kids will feel that their parents are dissatisfied with them, even if it's not stated. They pick up on subtle cues."
Some parents are intolerant of imperfections because they confuse their children's identities with their own, says Ruth Ehrenkranz, a New York City psychoanalyst. "They think, 'If our child looks good, we look good,'" she says. "They cannot handle their kids' failures because they feel it makes them look like bad parents."
The message that kids need to be perfect can lead to serious problems, such as an erosion of self-esteem, a profound sense of failure, and lingering anger, says Paul Hewitt, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and an expert on perfectionism. When using the term perfectionist, he's not talking about people who hold high standards -- that's a good trait that can help parents give their children a wonderful life. Rather, he's referring to people who expect perfection of themselves or others and are mercilessly hard on themselves when they don't attain it. For perfectionists, there is no middle ground: Either they have achieved perfection or they are utter failures. "People who are perfectionistic don't really experience much satisfaction or happiness," says Dr. Hewitt.
The latest research from Dr. Hewitt and his colleagues is alarming: They've found that true perfectionists are at an increased risk for clinical depression, eating disorders, and suicide. Even worse, they are much more resistant to treatment because they don't want to appear weak.
For some reason, though, there's a pervasive myth in our culture that we must be perfect or we will have failed our children. "It's a funny kind of arrogance," says Kyle Pruett, M.D., a clinical professor of psychiatry at Yale University in New Haven, CT. "I've never done a single thing perfectly. What makes me think I can do the hardest job I'll ever do perfectly?"
Parents in overdrive
There are, of course, clear advantages to trying to be the best. It often means that parents are working especially hard to do a good job, says Monica Ramirez Basco, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas and author of Never Good Enough: How to Use Perfectionism to Your Advantage Without Letting It Ruin Your Life. When you've got a perfectionist at the helm, everything in the house tends to run more smoothly. "The meals get made, the homework gets done, and the uniform gets washed before the game," she says.
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Deborah Kanter, the mother of 4-year-old Henry and 2-year-old Eleanor in Los Angeles, would agree. Kanter -- who works part time and is such a perfectionist that she organizes her linen closet by room and by color and cannot get any work done unless her desk is immaculately neat -- says that she makes a serious effort to put her children first, to really spend time with them. Every morning she and her husband leave the house around 9 a.m., after having first shared a few hours as a family. And every night, instead of paying bills or taking time for herself, Kanter gets down on the floor to play with her daughter and son."The benefit," she says, "is that our kids get a lot of attenton from us." She also makes sure that her children have a homemade meal for dinner every night. And she reads a number of books on child development, always trying to be the finest mother she can be.
But Kanter realizes that there's a downside to all this effort. "I still feel like the kids never get the time and attention they need," she says, "and I worry a lot and focus on what I could be doing better, rather than giving myself credit for what I'm doing right."
Because she thinks perfectionism has serious drawbacks, Kanter tries to guard her children from following the same path. And she's delighted when she discovers them simply being kids, imperfections and all. "I love it when Henry sings a song without knowing all the words," she says. "He doesn't hesitate and he doesn't care about getting them right."
Perfectionism pitfalls
For Jillian Acord, a corporate vice president of Mitsubishi Imaging who lives in New York City and is the mother of Zane and Zoe, ages 6 and 2, perfectionism translates into homemade Halloween costumes, freshly baked cakes, and ultra-creative birthday parties. She says she's just trying to be as good a mother as her own, a woman Acord describes lovingly as "the original Martha Stewart." "I always thought she was so neurotic, but now she's telling me to calm down," says Acord.
Understandably so: Not only does Acord work full-time -- her mother, on the other hand, stayed home full-time -- she also leaves no domestic detail untouched. She makes sure that her children are always impeccably dressed, and before each Monday rolls around, she plans the weekly menu for her children, right down to the organic foods that the babysitter will serve them for lunch.
But Acord herself isn't sure all this is a good thing. "I think this perfectionism could really be a character flaw," she says. "I obsess. I worry way too much over things like what my children eat and what they wear. That's time when I could be having fun with them." She's also concerned about how her behavior is affecting her kids: "I'm always worried I'm going to create a neurotic child." And, despite her impressive efforts and energy, Acord can't shake the feeling that "somebody is always disappointed."
Deborah Cichocki, the mother of 8-year-old Anna and 6-year-old Jack in San Anselmo, CA, has a similar outlook. Even though she throws herself into activities -- when her kids were in preschool, she was the room mother of both the children's classes and president of the local co-op school -- and is admired in her community for her volunteerism, she feels she's falling short. "No matter how involved you are, you don't look in the mirror and say, 'I'm such a great mom,'" says Cichocki. "You never hit it. There's no perfect. There's always room for improvement."
James Devitt feels the same way. "I often look at my day-to-day life as a series of to-do lists," says Devitt, who works in public relations in New York City and is the father of 3-year-old Truman. He sounds ideal: He works hard, he's a devoted husband and father, and he does all the family laundry and grocery shopping, among other chores. But there's a hitch. He has a tough time relaxing unless he's been able to accomplish all his tasks every weekend. "Now that I have a child, I have this overall sense of disorganization and falling behind," says Devitt. "If you don't carry out what you intended to do, you feel some sense of failure. And if you do it, you feel like you were supposed to do it anyway. You're not winning. You're just holding serve."
For parents who've spent many years as high achievers in the workplace, enjoying a certain amount of control and an outlet for their perfectionism, trying to be flawless can be especially difficult. "There is a big difference between parenthood and careers," says Dr. Stein. "In a career, there are clearly defined objectives and a linear path to success. That's just not how parenthood works. It's a whole different universe. There are no rules to go by."
Irene Wineman-Marcus, a psychoanalyst in Great Neck, NY, agrees. "Working people are used to feeling in control at their jobs. It's a terrible blow when they realize how little control they have with their kids." Take, for example, the times when you're neatly dressed and ready to leave for work, and the baby spits up all over you. Or when you just need to run into the grocery store for a gallon of milk -- usually a five-minute trip, max -- but your toddler chooses that time to throw a world-record tantrum. It's enough to drive a perfectionist crazy, and it does.
Some fathers find themselves striving for perfection in ways that are subtly different from what moms do. "Fathers tend to have higher standards for their children's performance, particularly in areas such as academics and sports," says Dr. Basco, "and they may be more critical." For children, especially boys, this can have disastrous results. "They feel as though they can never match up -- particularly sons of successful fathers," says Wineman-Marcus. "They don't enter the race because they're never going to win it. It's just too stressful to try."
Experts agree that parental perfection -- pushing kids to get into the best preschool, to be thin, to be popular, to be the prettiest little girl in ballet class -- often has a profound effect on children. "The children will either identify with the self-punishing attitude of perfectionism and adopt it as their own," says Wineman-Marcus, "or they won't accept that attitude and they'll rebel." This rebellion can result in kids' turning to drugs and alcohol, hanging with a bad crowd, or deliberately underachieving as teenagers.
Children who try to be perfectionists themselves feel the stress of trying to please their parents, says Wineman-Marcus. This pressure can stay with them all their lives: "They'll always react to an internal mother or father who's demanding something they can't possibly achieve," says Dr. Stein. Even worse, Ehrenkranz suspects that parental pressure may be part of the reason the adolescent suicide rate is at an all-time high. "Kids feel they're being valued not for who they are, but for how they perform," she says.
Letting go
There is a way to break the cycle and protect our children, but for perfectionists it's a tough pill to swallow. "If you want to adapt to the realities of parenthood," says Dr. Basco, "you've got to let something go. You've got to lower your standards."
That's what Lorie Torpey of Hong Kong did. Torpey, a stay-at-home mom of 8-year-old Kiki, 5-year-old Dieken, and 4-year-old Piper, kept three parenting books by her bed and read them every night after her first child was born. "They had month-by-month sections on where your child should be developmentally," she says, "and I made sure my daughter was hitting every target."
She bought "all the right developmental toys" and spent a considerable amount of time walking around the house identifying objects so her daughter would develop good language skills. She played Mozart. And in an effort to provide the most nutritious diet possible, she baked a healthy, sweetened-with-fruit-juice-only cake for her daughter's first birthday.
By the time her third child came along, those habits were a distant memory. Torpey remembers the nights when her youngest daughter was an infant and she struggled to make it through the hours between when the babysitter left and her children went to bed (her husband usually arrived home after her children's bedtime). "I'd be nursing the baby, my oldest child would be throwing a tantrum, the other would be crying, and there'd be a mess somewhere. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it."
That's when she knew she had to either give up the perfectionism or go crazy. "If I'd kept it up, my head would have exploded," she says. "I physically didn't have any time or energy left." So some nights she went to bed immediately after her children. She didn't pick up the messes around the house. She didn't do her sit-ups. Her children didn't get as much Mozart or developmentally appropriate stimulation as the books advised. But Torpey has no doubt that this was all for the best.
"Once you've given up on the idea of being so perfect all the time, you're a little happier and the kids are a little happier," she says. "You realize that the shortcuts you took are worth taking all the time, except on special occasions." Then she adds, laughing, that for her youngest child's most recent birthday, she served not only a sugar-filled cake but one that was also "somebody's leftover cake."
Happier parents, happier kids
Interestingly, Dr. Stein describes having children as an opportunity to move beyond perfectionism. "For parents who are stuck, children provide a chance to grow," he says. "They can be your way out of that phase of believing you can do everything perfectly." And how will kids react when parents stop trying to control themselves and their children all the time? They'll have a chance to simply be who they are, says Wineman-Marcus. And they'll also have more self-confidence, not only because they see that their parents are more satisfied with them but because being allowed to make their own decisions shows that they're trusted -- a major key to self-esteem.
Even more important, letting go of too-high expectations gives parents a chance to teach children one of life's most important lessons: that to err is human. "That's a crucial developmental step," says Dr. Stein. "Children need to learn that people can be both good and bad -- but that, ultimately, they are basically good. The irony is that we need to be able to tolerate that we are not perfect in order to be good parents."
This was what Willa learned when I missed her assembly: Mommy is not perfect. But after her tears dried, she found it in her heart to forgive me, even if she never said the words. After the assembly I waited around for a few minutes, watching as she returned to the playground and a small crowd of children began to gather around her.
"Why are you crying?" her friends asked. As she told them, she opened her bag of Goldfish crackers and started passing them out to the other children.
"Does she do this every day?" I asked them. Yes, they said, she always shares her snack. I kissed Willa good-bye and walked away, turning occasionally to watch my little good citizen share with her friends, just as I'd always taught her to do, convinced she'd never heard me. As I watched, I'll confess, I felt ridiculously proud. After all, I'm only human.
Single Parents' Secrets of Success
The secrets of success in single-parent households.
Pages in this story
Introduction
Plamen Petkov
Even before Warrick Liang traveled to an orphanage in Vietnam to bring home his infant son, he knew that being a single dad was no small feat: He would need all the help he could get. So not only did he find a Vietnamese woman to care for his son while he worked, Liang also called a long list of friends in the San Francisco East Bay community where he lived, asking each to make a once-a-week commitment as evening helper.
By the time Liang brought 5-month-old Eric Binh home, in December 2001, he had someone lined up for every night of the work week. Monday through Friday, a friend was there to help make dinner and wash the dishes while Liang fed Binh, gave him his bath, and sang his son a lullaby. "If I had more people offering, I'd take them up on it," he says cheerfully.
If Liang seems an unlikely poster boy for single parents, that's because the national image needs an update. The 2000 U.S. Census reveals a record 19 million children living with one parent, up from 15.9 million in 1990. Picture a single parent with kids and you're seeing 12 million families, or 17% of all American family households. What's more, Liang is part of a growing group of middle-class parents opting to raise children solo. The reasons for the rise are many, say sociologists and demographers, including changing attitudes toward divorce and gender roles.
Meanwhile, debate on the fate of single-parent families has roiled American culture for years. Dozens of studies seem to prove our worst fears: Kids in single-parent households are more likely to drop out of school, use drugs, fail at their relationships, and go on to raise kids out of wedlock. The larger picture, however, tells a different tale. As experts step back from the debate, they're seeing that the fate of these kids isn't so clear -- or so grim. New research and reviews of older studies are reaching a different, far more optimistic conclusion. Yes, single-parent families are vulnerable. And yes, "a mom-and-dad family works great -- providing it is working great," says Peggy Drexler, Ph.D., a research psychologist at Stanford University's Institute for Research on Women & Gender in Palo Alto, CA. "But it's not the only way to raise a healthy child."
A Clearer Picture
Plamen Petkov
We shouldn't dismiss all the cautionary tales. As a single parent myself, I'd be the first to tell you how much easier childrearing would be with a good partner. The small tasks of parenthood are endless, and the crises -- from a baby's earache to a death in the family -- hit harder when there's only one grown-up to handle the fallout.
But if we want to learn how children in single-parent families fare, more useful than knowing that a parent is single, experts say, is examining how the person became single, the resources he or she has, and the family's emotional climate. "Single parents are a strikingly diverse group," says Marsha Weinraub, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. In addition to unwed teens and divorced parents, they include middle-class women who choose to give birth or adopt on their own. And the fastest-growing group, though still small, is men like Liang. The 2000 census counted 2 million single fathers, up from 393,000 in 1970. Finally, while widowed parents make up the smallest percentage of single households, the specter of losing one parent to death has been particularly vivid since 9/11.
It's because previous research didn't acknowledge this diversity that there's been confusion about cause and effect, says Kathleen Gerson, Ph.D., a sociologist at New York University. Past studies failed to tease apart the effects of income and education, lumping the 15-year-old parent on welfare with the 40-year-old professional who adopts. Others looked at kids of recently divorced parents, says Clare Murray, Ph.D., a senior research psychologist at London's City University. They studied kids exposed to marital conflict, separation from a parent, and emotional and financial distress, then took the results and made generalizations about other single-parent families, says Dr. Murray. She is now studying solo parents and a control group of married couples who conceive by donor insemination.
Such carefully constructed studies will, experts say, provide a fuller picture of how kids are coping. "Family diversity is here to stay," says Stephanie Coontz, the national co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families in New York City and author of The Way We Never Were. "The question is no longer 'What kind of family is good, what kind is bad?' but 'How do we help every family minimize its weaknesses and build on its strengths?'"
A Stable Home
Plamen Petkov
As any parent with a clingy toddler knows, what kids want most is to feel safe. For a child who has lost a parent or is old enough to realize that one is less of a shield than two, that need may be stronger. "The first thing a child needs is stability," says Richard Bromfield, Ph.D., the Boston-based co-author of How to Turn Boys Into Men Without a Man Around the House. "The key ingredient is dependability, through your presence and love."
That's what Andy Trump, a businessman in northern California, discovered when he took sole custody of his daughter Diana, then 8. After years of turmoil from her parents' failing marriage, Diana was angry and Trump looked for ways to reassure her. In the end, what helped most was simply his steady presence.
Whatever arrangements solo parents make, experts advise keeping major changes to a minimum -- and cushioning ones they can't avoid. When I found a great babysitter for my then 5-month-old daughter, I worked hard to keep Nikki in our lives. Three years ago, when Lily was 4 and Nikki moved to Denver, I allocated precious vacation funds for a trip to visit her. Since then we've seen each other every year. We also call and send presents back and forth.
A sense of security is also something you create on a day-to-day basis through rituals like sitting down to dinner together. These days, it's hard for all families to make the time. But single parents may also find that the old traditions feel awkward or lonely. (Doesn't dinner with the kids mean Mom at one end of the table and Dad at the other?) But rituals don't have to come straight out of Leave It to Beaver, says Dr. Drexler. You can send the same message with a cuddle in a special chair the moment you walk in from work. And you'll find that kids cherish such traditions: Boston-based child psychiatrist Audrey Rubin, M.D., single mother of Sophia, 4, is struck by how much her daughter treasures the pre-supper ceremony -- with candles and a Buddhist-inspired prayer of thanksgiving -- that the two have developed. "She'll remind me if I forget," she says.
Who's The Boss?
Children also feel secure when they're given limits. "But if discipline is a problem for most families, it's even harder for single parents," says Dr. Bromfield. Studies by Sara McLanahan, Ph.D., director of the Center for Research on Child Well-Being at Princeton University in New Jersey, for example, have found that single mothers don't monitor their children's behavior as closely as married ones, a difference she says is due mostly to limited resources or lack of time.
However, Dr. Bromfield believes that another reason single parents may be more lenient is guilt. It's not easy saying no, and if a parent fears that her child is deprived of something -- time, attention, that second parent -- she may find it doubly difficult. Furthermore, single parents may fear making their children angry, especially if the kids are the main source of love and affection, says Dr. Bromfield. It's easier to hear "Mommy, I hate you!" if there's a spouse nearby to smile in sympathy.
"With two parents, one can be the heavy and the other can lighten up -- or keep you focused," adds Trump. The single dad often finds himself deep in negotiations with Diana, now 14, before he catches himself. "I'm better at it when our lives stay simple," he says. Once, after counting 32 separate trips to school and activities in a single week, he vowed to "keep things slow -- at least on weekends." The fewer errands and appointments, he says, the fewer opportunities for discord and more time to relax.
Solo parents may have one advantage over duos: Our word is law. I can think of many times I've been at a park, zoo, or restaurant and given my daughter a quick, clean no or yes to some request, then watched my married friends tussle over the same question. Stephanie Griffiths, a mutual funds executive in Toronto, says it's easier having no partner to negotiate with, even under painful circumstances. Her daughter, Zoë, 10, has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism. As the one who does the research, makes the appointments, and sifts through conflicting advice, Griffiths wants to be the person to make the decisions: "If I had someone else saying, 'No, she should eat this' or 'No, let's take away her computer time,' I know it would be harder."
The closeness between single parents and their children often creates a special bond. Studies have shown, for example, that adults in single-parent families read and talk more to their kids, says Dr. Coontz. Even so, boundaries have to be drawn. Too much intimacy and responsibility can end up being a burden to the kids because it cuts short their childhood, she says.We Are Family
As single parents try to meet their children's needs, the biggest advantage they may have is changing public attitudes -- and the help that often springs up as a result. The better the support network, the better the job the parent does, research indicates, and the better the kids fare in such measures as academic performance. Kids of single parents need other adults for many reasons: to literally show that they will not be left alone if you're sick, or worse, and to model different varieties of adult -- and gender -- behavior. Eric Mattes, 22, notes that he had a lot of other grown-ups around while growing up. His mom, Jane Mattes, is the founder of Single Mothers by Choice (SMC), a support group in New York City. His godfather, who lived close by, was invaluable, says Eric. He could turn to him for a second opinion or a listening ear when he wanted to sound off.
Single parents need adult support too. Recently, in the message board of the SMC Web site, mothers traded tips for finding help. More than one worried about asking for assistance, fearful that family and friends might think, "Well, you brought this on yourself." When several parents expressed their reluctance to turn to even other single mothers, one from the Washington, DC, area chimed in with her local chapter's solution: a "Compassion Committee" that maintains a list of single mothers ready to help with errands or in emergencies.
Taking that idea a step further, Carmel Sullivan of Santa Monica, CA, founded Co-abode.com, a Web site that matches single mothers who want to share a house or apartment. The innovative nonprofit venture, now 2 years old, is also something of a social statement: "Single parents want their own version of the extended family," says Sullivan. "We're saying, 'There are so many of us and we're not second-class citizens. We're going to band together.'"
Co-abode may illustrate the rich resources now made possible by the Internet, but old-fashioned bricks-and-mortar establishments are also pitching in as never before. The Jewish Community Center in New York City offers workshops from "If You're Thinking About Becoming a Single Mom" to "Raising Teens on Your Own." The Faith Community Church in The Woodlands, TX, is one of many Christian groups that have created programs geared specifically to single parents, in this case aptly named Oasis.
Still, in some instances, solo parents have to work to find the community that is most supportive. Dr. Rubin found it hard to connect with other parents at the all-couple social events sponsored by her daughter's nursery school and was surprised by a teacher's quick assumption about the cause of a problem Sophia was having at school: "I wonder if she's angry because she doesn't have a dad." Next year, Dr. Rubin is transferring her daughter to a school with a more diverse population of families.
Yet despite her daughter's less-than-ideal preschool experience, Dr. Rubin, like many other single parents, is finding that the stigma attached to her family is fading. With changing attitudes comes confidence. "It's harder for our children and it's harder for the parents, but I trust that I have enough wisdom and strength to compensate," says Dr. Rubin.
Warrick Liang, the single dad who adopted a baby from Vietnam, has no illusions about the challenges either. Liang, a probation officer, often works with troubled young men who were raised by single mothers. But he's confident he can do right by his son: "I'm stable. I'm giving Binh a loving home. We have lots of support. My son is going to be fine."
That kind of support feels good not just when times are tough but when you want to share the joy. When my daughter, now 7, did her first cannonball dive off the float in a Cape Cod pond this summer, she was surrounded by a whole cheering section of the families we vacation with every year. And when her first-grade class wrote autobiographies last year, I color-copied Lily's masterpiece titled "When I Was Young in Maplewood" and sent a copy to all the loving grown-ups who play a role in her life -- with a note pointing out where each person appeared.
Jolie Solomon is a single parent and writer in Maplewood, NJ.
How to Handle Kids' Questions about Divorce
How single parents can handle their children's tough questions about what makes a family.
As much as single parents look for support and rejoice that the stigma attached to their families is fading, it's their own children's questions and sentiments that may pose the toughest challenge. ("Do I have a daddy?" "I want a mommy!") No matter how well a solo parent does her job, there are going to be points in a child's life when he will sorely miss having that other parent.
Many single parents teach their children that families take many forms: "Whoever loves you -- that's your family." But the desire for the other parent is an important wish, says Peggy Drexler, Ph.D., a research psychologist and scholar at Stanford University's Institute for Research on Women & Gender in Palo Alto, CA. And children need to feel that they can express their fantasies or desires without being discounted.
Telling a child, "We're doing great. We don't need a daddy," or "But you have Grandma, Aunt Emily, Uncle Bob, and all your cousins," won't satisfy a child. "Adults who don't acknowledge the feelings behind these questions may think they're protecting their children -- when they're really protecting themselves," says Richard Bromfield, Ph.D., author of How to Turn Boys Into Men Without a Man Around the House: A Single Mother's Guide.
The best approach to the Daddy (or Mommy) Question, experts say, is to be honest and matter-of-fact and to reassure your child that his desires and feelings are normal. To a child who says, "I want a daddy," a parent might respond, "I know you do, honey. Having a daddy would be nice," or "I can understand that you would want to have a daddy." That way you're acknowledging and validating your child's feelings without undermining your current family structure. Another child may ask, "Can we get a mommy?" or "Let's get you a husband, Mommy." Even if you're not interested (or optimistic), you can allow your child to pursue the idea. You might respond, "That would make you happy, wouldn't it?"
As with many sensitive questions asked by small children, it's a good idea to answer only those asked and then see what follows. Give an age-appropriate answer (the younger the child, the less you need to go into detail), and ask your own question if you think there's something else worrying your child. ("What do you think it would be like to have a daddy?" or "What can a daddy add to our family?") If a parent has left the family, kids also need to know that it was not their fault.
Some children may not ask these kinds of questions at all, even if it's clearly on their mind. Try reading related books or watching certain TV shows together, experts suggest. It can be a good way to discuss the topic.
Originally published in Child magazine, copyright © 2002.
Single and Happy
By Judith Sills, PhD
Raising a family alone can be tough, but if you rise to the challenge, contentment lies ahead.
Pages in this story
- Remembering You
- Working with Your Ex
Remembering You
Q. Newly divorced, I'm finding it hard to take advantage of my "free" time, when my kids are with my ex. How can I enjoy it more?
A. Saying goodbye to your children, even for a few days, is hard for any mom. It will take a while for you to accept that your kids are fine without you. Great weekends also require planning, especially for people who are divorced. Make a list of 10 things you'd like to do -- including fun stuff, tasks you can't get done with the kids around, and helping others -- and try to follow through on at least three things every weekend the kids are away. Get yourself on a schedule of well-being and stick with it until the good times catch up with you.
Q. My married friends no longer invite me out, and my single friends are busy. How do I rebuild my social life?
A. You've got to take the lead by inviting your married friends, along with other people, to your place for brunch or dinner, and by letting your single friends know that you're up for the movies, shopping, whatever. But you also need to branch out, which requires effort and involves risk at a time when you're likely feeling tired and vulnerable. Ask friends to introduce you to people they think you'd like. Join a volunteer organization or a book group -- anything to put yourself out there while doing something you enjoy. It's hard work, but you'll soon have plenty of good company.
Working with Your Ex
Q. When the children spend the weekend with my ex-husband, his new wife lets them stay up late, eat junk food, and pretty much get away with everything. When they come back, they're cranky and out of control -- and I'm angry.
A. You can't make the rules in your ex's home, but you can calmly spell out your concerns to him and ask him to work with you for the sake of the kids. And don't dis wife number two, which will only make him defensive. Instead, thank her for taking care of your kids and point out the things she does right before bringing up any problems. ("If the kids stay up late Saturday, it's hard to get them to bed on Sunday. Can you help me out?") You just might get the support you need, and the payoff will be huge.
Q. My ex almost always has his girlfriend sleep over when he has the kids, who are only 8 and 10. What can I do to make him stop?
A. This is a sensitive topic that requires a face-to-face meeting with him. Stay calm and rational, and start by affirming his right to date. Then explain why your children shouldn't be exposed to his personal life. Point out that they can quickly form attachments to girlfriends and feel hurt when they leave the scene, and that it's inappropriate for him to have sex when they're around, even behind closed doors. Share with him any comments the kids have made ("Mom, it's so weird when Dad and his girlfriend disappear into the bedroom"). Then ask him to stop inviting his girlfriend over when the kids are there. If he refuses, talk with his friends and ask them to speak up for you. If he won't change sufficiently and you feel it's in your kids' best interest, consult your lawyer about suspending his visitation rights.
Copyright © 2007. the September 2007 issue of Family Circle magazine.
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